You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
