my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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