got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
