Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
