You just made me feel so damn special
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
