I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
