somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
