My underwear smells like fireworks.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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