Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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