I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
