Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
