Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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