considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
