Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
