i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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