We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
