I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
