I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
