My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
