On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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