Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
