i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
