if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
