Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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