Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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