so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
