dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
