I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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