I wish my penis had an off switch
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
