you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
