he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
