I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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