if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
