My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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