I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
