I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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