My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
