he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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