Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
