Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
