His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
