I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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