3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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