I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I need to stop coming to work sober
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
