Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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