Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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