Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
