I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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