I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
