He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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